


Not Kiss, Kill or Marry

by Joel7th



Series: Stray [5]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Blood of Zeus - Freeform, Humor, Just those siblings having a Netflix night, M/M, Not a Crossover, Self-Indulgent, lots of reference to another Netflix show, spoilers alert I guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:48:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27654353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joel7th/pseuds/Joel7th
Summary: The Hargreeves siblings (plus Oscar) watched Blood of Zeus on Netflix and played a little game based on it.
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves/Oscar
Series: Stray [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1891927
Kudos: 23





	Not Kiss, Kill or Marry

“It’s so haaarddd,” Klaus groaned when the screen darkened and the credits started rolling.

“What so hard?” Allison asked, sounding bored as she reached for the gigantic bowl of popcorn — a must for every movie night, though strictly speaking, this was a Netflix night.

“To choose, Allison,” Klaus replied, reclining against Oscar’s lean form, which, in his siblings’ eyes, looked like he was practicing some complex yoga pose, and it didn’t seem too comfortable but they were all too accustomed to his antics to even bat an eye.

“Choose...” Vanya trailed off, clearly prompting him to elaborate.

“Who to, y’know,” Klaus replied, gesturing vaguely with his hands. “They’re all _so_ hot. Makes you want to do them all.”

Allison laughed. “Oh no, I definitely do _not_ want to do them all.”

At the same time, Vanya wrinkled her nose. “Even Acrisius and his sons?”

Realization quickly dawned on Klaus and he grimaced. “Right... except Acrisius and his sons. Not hot. At all.”

“And that’s not because they attempted to murder a kid?” Vanya said, arching a brow, a technique she had learned and perfected recently.

“The fact that Klaus doesn’t exclude the demons, Giants and beasts kinda has me worry right there,” Luther chimed in from his place in the armchair.

“That’s Klaus for you. And that ain’t the most worrying stuff I’ve heard from him this year.”

Klaus threw a dirty look at Luther and Diego, who were high-fiving in a rare moment of total agreement. “Hey, I have standards, y’know,” he rebuked. “And just to be clear, the demons are kinda hot. Their leader, smokin’.”

Allison and Vanya chuckled while Five scoffed before taking a sip of his bourbon. He only needed a cigar to complete the image of a middle-aged man in the 50s.

“So, a question for you all: which characters in _Blood of Zeus_ would you definitely bang if you could?”

“Are we playing ‘kiss, kill, marry’? Ain’t we a bit too old for that?”

“First of all, we’re never too old for games, Diego. And second, it’s not ‘kiss, kill, marry’ because then everyone would want to kill Acrisius plus his sons and no one would want to marry Zeus.”

“Luther would,” Diego said, jerking a thumb at Luther. “He’s a sucker for daddies.”

“Hey!”

Klaus ignored them and went on, “So, it’s just bang. Pure and simple.”

“It’s stupid to think about banging a fictional character.”

“Said the dude who had been banging a mannequin for decades.”

Five looked like he was two seconds away from whacking Klaus on the head with the nearest object (the remote control? His tumbler?) but lucky for him, Vanya pulled the man-boy down on the couch. “I’d do Alexia,” she said, distracting Five.

Klaus let out a whistle. “Nice choice for starter.”

“And Electra too.”

Diego wiggled an eyebrow and exchanged a knowing look with Allison. “Looks like someone has a type.”

“Single moms _are_ hot, I tell you,” Allison said.

Klaus placed a hand on his chest, feigning shocked. “No way,” he said.

Allison threw a piece of popcorn at Klaus, which he caught midair and put it in his mouth. “You said so yourself, everyone is so hot,” she said, air-quoting. “Though she’s not my first choice.”

“Wait, we can pick more than one?”

“Yes, Luther, we can. What’s your first choice then, Alli?”

“Apollo, duh.”

Klaus hummed in agreement, discreetly casting a glance at Luther, who didn’t look like someone punched him in the face and snatched his breakfast at the same time. Definitely an improvement.

“People’s Choice,” Klaus commented.

“Kofi’s hot too. In fact it’d be a tough choice if I was only allowed one option.” Allison popped a piece of popcorn into her mouth.

“If I could only pick one, it’d be...”

He paused for dramatic effect, gauging his siblings’ expressions.

“... Seraphim. Yup. Absolutely Seraphim.”

Luther choked on his beer and Diego, in a surge of pity for Number One, gently patted his back. Allison and Vanya laughed. Five casually savored his drink, his face expressionless.

“Oh come one, he’s hot,” Klaus said in a half-hearted attempt to defend his choice. “Look at those strong thighs. The Greeks sure know how to show off their assets.”

“He’s a literal demon,” Luther stated matter-of-factly.

“Ever heard of ‘demon dick’?” Klaus snapped his fingers, winking at him. “Maybe I could show you. I have some lying around somewhere.”

And Luther choked again, his face going purple like a bruised eggplant.

“Isn’t he kind of dead?”

“Oh Diego-dear, has ‘dead’ ever posed a problem to me?”

Klaus tilted his head to give Oscar’s waiting lips a quick peck, which again looked super weird to anyone but himself — he already saw Diego’s eye roll at the periphery of his eyes and that was why he didn’t linger and manifest Oscar.

A new trick he had recently discovered (purely circumstantial) and since then had been oh-so eager to practice, somewhat to his siblings’ chagrin when they walked in on his make-out session. Apart from Five, who sometimes seemed to engage in a one-sided heart-to-heart with a manifested Oscar, the rest were still on edge to see a professional killer under the same roof as they were, even though the only time said killer had opened fire so far was to destroy two bottles of Jack Daniel’s.

“What about you guys? Come on, share your thoughts.”

“All the goddesses for sure,” Diego said, helping himself to Five’s bourbon. “They’re all gorgeous but if I could only pick one, that’d be Hera.”

“Somehow I’m not surprised,” Klaus mumbled between sips of his diet Coke — not a single drop of alcohol for the newly sober Klaus Hargreeves.

“Correct me if I’m wrong but Diego’s type isn’t the milf?”

“I may surprise you, sis. Besides, she’s a literal goddess.”

“I have to agree with Diego here,” Luther said, and every eye turned on him. “That Hera is a goddess is enough an argument.”

“Good to see Number One and Number Two in agreement,” Five commented with a smirk, “even if the topic errs a bit too far on the ludicrous side.”

“We agree on a ton of stuff these days, right, big boy?”

Luther’s grin was broad as he meekly returned Diego’s fist bump.

“It wouldn’t be Hera if I was allowed only one option though,” Luther said. “It would be...”

Klaus made the drumroll sound.

“...Heron.”

Everyone in the living room save Klaus (and Oscar by extension) dropped their jaws, their eyes wide as saucers. Even Five, who had been nonchalant up until now. Klaus gave his big bro a thumb up and a proud, knowing grin, which was reciprocated by Luther’s trademark sheepish smile.

Yeah, someone had had an awakening recently, thanks to a certain vintage porno. Klaus was sure to take credit for that.

“Who doesn’t fall for the hero type?” Luther said, reaching for his drink out of habit when he got a bit nervous and ended up taking Five’s tumbler instead of his beer. For once, the 58-year-old in a pubescent body didn’t glare or fling death threats at him.

“Maybe not me,” Allison said, shrugging. “Though he’s cute, with those dark curls and electrifying eyes, pardon the pun. Kinda looks like Alexio at the gym.” Allison clapped her hands. “Who is _also_ Greek. Oh I see what you did there.”

“Nothing to be embarrassed about, Luther,” Vanya said, reaching over to encouragingly pat Luther on the back. “Heron’s cute. It’s still Alexia all the way for me though.”

“Honestly,” Five said, “I sort of expected Diego to pick the hero of the story, due to his hero complex.”

“I don’t have a hero complex!”

“Yeah,” Klaus agreed. “He has a dark, brooding anti-hero complex.”

“What about you, Five?” Diego asked, after glaring at Klaus. “Come on, don’t be shy.”

“Didn’t I make it clear that I found this little game ludicrous, Number Two?”

“Everyone has made their choices. It’s your turn.”

“Your peer pressure tactic won’t work on me, Number One.”

“It’s only fair.”

“Neither is your tactic, Number Three.”

“Now he resorts to calling us by numbers,” Diego bleated. “Well done, Number Five.”

Klaus and Vanya exchanged a smile. Both turned to Five in near perfect unison, batting their long lashes. “How about this?” Klaus asked, his eyes impossibly large. Beside him Vanya struggled with the look, but after a few moments, she was regarding Five with the doe-est eyes in the history of doe eyes.

Five gulped dryly and relented. “Fine, fine. I’ll play your silly game.”

Klaus and Vanya clapped and high-fived while the other three rolled their eyes.

“That would be Seraphim...”

Klaus whistled.

“... but only when he’s covered in viscera and pounding his uncle into a literal pulp. No, I’m not going to give any explanation.”

Silence lasted for an exact a minute and a quarter before Klaus bludgeoned it with his guffaws. “Well, that proves we’re indeed twins.”

...

It was past midnight when Klaus fell into his bed. After the bang game, they had watched a slasher movie on Netflix — Five’s choice because it had been his turn to pick what they should watch. He had also been the last one to finish the popcorn because most of them had lost their appetite somewhere near the climax. At least Oscar had thoroughly enjoyed it, even trying to taste some popcorn only for the pieces to land on the floor. Good thing was by that time his siblings had been too engrossed with the movie that no one had flinched when Klaus manifested Oscar with a prolonged kiss.

“Who would you pick?” Klaus asked, facing Oscar, who had settled beside him on the bed.

“ _Du_.”

“Me? Aw, that’s so sweet but I wasn’t a character in the show.”

Klaus pillowed his head on his arm, leaning in closer until he would breathe in Oscar’s breath if his ghost had any respiratory function. “I’ve just realized I have the hots for handsome murderers who are much more layered than they look, which should be alarming but in reality just, y’know, arousing.”

He erased the last few inches and kissed Oscar deeply to make up for their quick pecks during the night, and even if his eyes were closed and his mind went a bit fuzzy around the edges, Klaus was keenly aware of the steady stream of energy leaving him and flowing into his ghost. Another recent discovery. This usually left him pretty famished in a few hours, but Klaus didn’t mind it one bit. If anything he had found a legitimate reason not to skip his breakfast, to his siblings’ delight.

“I wonder who Ben would pick if he was here,” Klaus whispered once they parted, a little breathless. “He’d probably go for Alexia. He’d always crushed on the strong heroine back when we were kids. Supergirl, Wonder Woman, Princess Xena and such.”

Klaus’s eyes widened. “No way. No way he’d choose the hot dude in bed with Apollo—wait a tic.”

Oscar raised a brow suggestively.

“Yeah, you’ve been watching Onesie for a while but—oh, I see what you mean. Maybe I’ll ask him when he comes back.”

If he came back. A weight sank into Klaus’s guts when he recalled their last encounter and Five’s decision and the inevitable squall that would follow.

“The guy doesn’t even leave a number, the jerk, after all the times he’s been here,” Klaus groaned, half frustrated, half relieved because if he had Number One’s number right now, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from calling and... he didn’t dare think about what would happen next.

“As some wise person once said,” Klaus concluded, “we’ll wait and see.”

_End_

**Author's Note:**

> This is purely self-indulgent. I just finished Blood of Zeus (a new animated show on Netflix in case you haven’t heard of it). Though it had its flaws, I certainly enjoyed it and would highly recommend it. If you aren’t averse to violence and gore, that is.


End file.
